Sunday, 16 November 2008

In Search Of Perfection

I often wonder to myself how I came from such a terrible childhood with this will to make my life better and to always be searching for perfection and happiness. I look at my life now and I compare it to what it was like back then and I don't think I would ever change that childhood regardless of the horrible things my brothers and I had to endure and I am glad that my children will not have to endure that kind of pain. You see some people grow up from things like that and take the easy route always wanting others to pick up the pieces and never taking responsibility of their own lives and destiny.

We were three siblings on completely different paths in life, I am the oldest, then there is my brother J who is the middle child and then there was T the youngest. My youngest brother T wanted to escape from himself and was always looking for the approval of his older brother to validate himself. J, I think just could never find a path and never had the stamina or drive to stay on one. Me on the other hand was always going to make something better out of my life. J has been addicted to heroin for as long as I can remember and T following on the same path of destruction paid the ultimate price with his life when he overdosed on heroin at 18 years of age. It came as a shock to me as he had hidden it so well that I never worried about him, he was on his way to becoming a chef and I was extremely proud. I never thought that this could happen to someone I loved so much. Someone I had protected and mothered when we were little. I had gotten out of that nightmare housing commission house at 15 and it was the best thing I could have done. I was in charge of my life and I had a choice to make it better, which I did. MY brother J all I can hope is that he finds the drive someday soon and gets off the heroin highway. I love him but I can't watch him continue to destroy himself. It hurts to much. I have lost one brother and I fear I may lose the other prematurely one day.

I have never really associated with anyone who has experienced the trauma of an horrific childhood like me. I also have never really associated with anyone who was dealing with having drug addicts in their family. Maybe I have but they have never told me about it. I dealt with it in my own ways and I still deal with it in my own ways. I have made a life that doesn't involve those things.

So when I read Mr Ramsay's Humble Pie it shocked me. It was in a way as if I was reading about myself and my own life. I know its sounds stupid but it was quite an emotional book for me. I feel like I know him. It is bizarre I know. To bond with a complete stranger who I have never met and will probably never meet. To see your own emotions, passion, drive, the never ending feeling of searching for perfection, wanting to please everyone and a commitment to make myself better in any way I can, in words that are so up front, so strait down the line and so truthful, well it's inspiring. It makes me feel like I am not alone and I am not an alien.

This man that everyone sees on television is truly incredible, not because of his TV shows, not because of his amazing talent as a chef, because he is a survivor, not a victim. He has a heart as big as Pharlap, a soul that has fire with drive and determination. He expects perfection, he searches for it everyday and why the hell not, he deserves nothing less. Why should we not excel and achieve more for ourselves. His passion, devotion and his never ending search for perfection is admirable and I have a new Hero. His book Humble Pie is something that I will treasure forever. It has renewed my spirit, recharged my soul. It has reminded me how I wouldn't be the same person without my awful childhood because those experiences have made me passionate, driven and an extremely loving person. So I urge you, if you have not read this book, do it or I will hunt you down and smack your bottom.

Mr Ramsay you are my Hero and thank you for your amazing book.
(P.S. just don't tell my husband LOL)


My Brother T